Being MOM!

Many times my kids have asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I replied with “a mom.” They always say “what else”?

It’s true. The only thing I really wanted to be when I ‘grew up’ was a mom.  As I look back I wish I would have prepared for that momentous job a little more. I remember thinking it would be no big deal as I was the second child of 7, did a lot of babysitting in the neighborhood etc. How hard could it be? I also knew that I would be that really cool mom too.

In reality I of course had no idea what being a mom entailed.  How was I to know that I would need a degree in child psychology, health and nutrition, nursing, education and finance, just to name a few. I never thought cheerleading would help me in that endeavor either, but it couldn’t have hurt.

How could I have possibly understood how mentally, physically and spiritually strong I would need to be to raise children? I had no idea how much I would love them, hurt for them and pray for them. I had no idea how happy they would make me, how angry they would make me, how proud and sometimes crazy! I had no idea that I would feel guilty for any shortcomings they had – wondering where I went wrong, or what I could have done better. Yes, I realize that those are my issues, but being a mom intensifies those feeling of doubt. I’ve heard it said “behind every great kid is a mom who is sure she has messed them up.” For me that rings true.

As a young mother I thought the sleepless nights would do me in. Now I know that those nights have nothing on my current sleepless nights! I look at young women starting out now with their young families and part of me wants to warn them of what is in store… but then I realize I can’t – you just can’t really prepare for the intensity that being a mother entails. It’s an individual thing and yet something that we all share. I have found greater appreciation for my own mother as the years roll by. It is only now that I am where she was at with children the age that I was that I understand some of her actions. I used to wonder why she cried so much – now I know she was wondering where she went wrong with me!

I would still say that what I want most to be known for is being a great mom, (I have long since given up being the cool mom). I try every day and fail every day, but there is nothing in the world more worth striving for. I am blessed to be a mom five times over… each child brings me different challenges and joys, but I’d give my life for every one of them and in many ways every day, I do.

When do I learn?

My dad gave me some good counsel which included to keep blogging and read it often because many times Heavenly Father has given me the answers I seek before and I just need to go back and find them and realize they are still true!
When I printed my blog book, I read through some of them and thought oh my heck... when do I ever learn the lesson? I repeat myself way to often and don't seem to ever internalize the message. I find myself so frustrated wit life and myself and circumstances that I find myself in, yet I never learn the lesson and therefore am stuck! I guess the problem is not enough true desire to change or not enough faith to act.
I find myself at yet another crossroads - looking for something to click enough to trust and act upon - yet still I stand at the fork in the road unsure of where to go or what to do. It is so much harder when there are 6 other lives effected by choices made.
Our lease with the restaurant comes to an end soon and we need to decide on going forward or moving on or ending it all together, then there is also the choice to be made with purchasing our house or not and all my kids are on the verge of milestones in their lives - graduation, mission, high school etc. And with all of this I of course am not sleeping, because that is when the wheels really start spinning. I am so confused - I have felt times of feeling like I know what we need to do and then it feels like something gets in the way and I go back to questioning whether or not I actually am receiving inspiration at all or if I am just living in my head. I know the answer to this on an intellectual level...


It is just hard for me to trust in it working out. It always seems like everything has to be a struggle and for some unknown reason I keep thinking things are bound to get easier- if I am on the right path it is all going to go smoothly.That is what I wish for anyway! I know it isn't how it always works out or ever in my case, I  just want to know with a surety that the decisions we make are the ones the Lord wants us to make and what will be in the best interest of our family. How do I get that knowledge or is that just part of the journey the leaping without seeing theory? I don't know...

Never ask for...

I've always said that I never ask for patience, because I don't want the tests that are required to gain it. I guess it doesn't matter whether you ask or not! We've had a rough month and a half or so... we had a leak in the main water line to the house. Greg fixed it and it lasted about 2 weeks then we had another one at which point he decided it would just be best to replace the whole thing as it was really old and rusted. So he did which included replacing all the old pipes in the basement with new ones and that led to replacing the air duct system (it's all interwoven) the whole experience has include many water shutoffs and many frustrations in getting things fixed and running. (the joys of an old home)
 Just today he finished the duct work and replaced leaking parts in our upstairs toilet... and we hurried to get ready and make it to the High school play that some of our employees were in - right as we are arriving we get a call from home ( the boys opted out of the play) Caden is freaking out that the water pipe downstairs has burst and there is water all over the basement. For some reason the area where the pressure is supposed to be controlled didn't control it and it burst, which basically left a hose running full on into the basement. There was a good 2 inches covering the floor. We told him to shut off the water, thankfully he knew where to do that... and Greg dropped the girls and I off and then headed home to do damage control.
He came and picked us up and relayed everything to me and where we were in the disaster clean up. It's going to be a while! Unfortunately clothes on the floor of bedrooms, and boxes on the floor elsewhere and carpet that really needs to just be thrown out... but all things considered it's going to be fine.
As we were driving home, Bryn asked me what my favorite feeling was. I jokingly said, 'the feeling of a good nights sleep'... but thinking now I will change that to peace and contentment. Oh how I long to feel any of the afore mentioned... well rested. peace or contentment. It just seems like we really can't catch a break and it is one thing after the other. There are times that I really just want to sit in a corner and cry. I am so frustrated and long for a period of time that we can relax a little. I am not really sure what I am supposed to be learning right now. I know I can do hard things, I am just tired of having to prove it! I am sure patience and endurance with a good attitude are in there, and truly I am trying - but I'm also praying for a miracle!
To end on a good note, I am thankful it wasn't any worse than it was, I am thankful Caden knew where to shut off the water and I am thankful that Greg doesn't panic in these situations and knows what needs to happen to take care of it. I am thankful that my boys hate musicals, so they stayed home... it's the little things! :)

Gratitude for Attitude!

It's snowing outside the window... I can't believe that it's nearing the end of the year! Time seems to rush on so quickly, it's hard to keep up, let alone make it matter. I do love this time of year - not necessarily the weather, (although I can say after living 2 places that it doesn't snow around the holidays that it does add to the season for me) but the attitude that comes with it. People seem more focused on what they are thankful for and are also more aware of others and wanting to give to them to lift spirits. I also know that it can be a hard time of year for many, it has been for me. I know getting outside of my head and myself helps me retain a good attitude and really feel the spirit.
I have been really trying to think of some things to do with my family this year to help them really feel the spirit of the season. For November we are going to bed every night having prayer together and each person saying something they are grateful for that day. I am still working on activities for December... definitely, acts of service, but also as much family time as I can squeeze in, having fun together.

I am learning that the thoughts we allow in our heads and those things we tell ourselves are so powerful in influencing how we act and treat others, in how we feel. I am trying really hard to kick out the negative and focus my attitude on truly being grateful for who and what I have!